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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dear God...

Dear God, the weeks that I spent with my mom at her bedside praying to you... brought me back to 23 years ago, when my brother got hit by a car. I would pray and pray for you not to take my brother. I felt hurt and abandoned by you because I felt you didn't answer my prayers in the way I thought you should of. The feelings soon turned into anger. I was there again in that same place. Wondering how you could do this again. Praying to you and wondering why I felt so far away from you. I was looking for you every Sunday during the messages at church. Waiting for something to be said. Waiting for you to answer by prayer. I was almost blinded by the fact that you had to answer my prayer in a certain way that I almost missed it. You were there...every step of the way. God...you were sitting next to me by my mom's bedside, walking the hospital hallways, sitting in the waiting rooms , you were there every step of the way. You felt every inch of my pain, you knew how many tears fell and you heard all the prayers that crossed my lips. Still...I sat there with hurt and abandonment. So, You sent in nurses that would share their stories with me. One of the nurses had the exact same story as mine. She had lost her mom to cancer and she would comfort me, check on me and share tears with me. Still...I asked where are you God? So, you sent me a man named Tom, who was loosing his wife to cancer, his wife had the room right next to my mom. Tom and I would talk everyday. We would share our stories, our pain and our tears. Still...I asked where are you God? So, you send me Trisha. My cousin's wife who brings me food, sits with me and shares her stories of loosing loved ones to cancer. Still...I asked where are you God? So, you send me Lori. Lori is my leader from my New Believer's group. She sits with me, prays with me, reads my mom some of her favorite passages in the bible and shares her story of loosing her son. Still...I asked where are you God? So, you send me Linda. My husband's mom, who sits with my mom, sings to her, prays with me and supports me. Still...I asked where are you God? So, You send me Crystal. My oldest and dearest friend. She sits with me, checks on me everyday and shares her stories of loosing her grandfathers to cancer. Still...I asked where are you God? So, you send me Sharon. One of my close friends, she shares tears with me, she brings me a bible to share with my mom and she offers her support. Still...I asked where are you God? So, you send me my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Who sit with me, share stories and support my dad. Still...I asked where are you God? So, you send me my children. Who comfort me, read bible scripture to their grandma, support their grandfather, share my pain and my tears. Still...I asked where are you God? So, you send me my husband. Who cares for me at night, takes care of the kids, works, brings me dinner, shares my tears and prays for me. Still...I asked where are you God? Then on my birthday, you give me 2 very powerful blessings. The first blessing was a birthday card from my mom that she had made out and ready for me before she got sick. Then the second blessing was my mom waking up. Giving me the chance on my birthday to tell my mom how much I loved her, what a wonderful mother she was and that in heaven they should be there waiting for her with a metal. You gave me the chance to tell her to trust in YOU! But still...I asked where are you God? So, you give me strength. The strength to give my mom one last kiss and tell her I love her as you take her up in heaven with you. Dear God...as I sit here writing you this letter. I now know that I never have to ask where you are.

2 comments:

Sharon said...

Char - it is in our darkest hours when God seems to be the farthest that we, if we are willing, stand to learn and grow the most. We were never promised an easy life, in fact, pain and suffering are pretty much guaranteed. What we are promised is that God can and will take all the pain and suffering and use it to his glory! He will teach us something from it, He will heal through it and after it, and He will walk beside us. In all the bad things and painful things, I have learned to not ask where God is or why he is allowing these things to happen, but instead I have learned to trust that he alone is faithful and he alone works all things (even the bad) in my life for good. I love you! And I can't imagine how you are feeling but I am here to cry with you and laugh with you and dance with you!
Love ya, Sharon

Anonymous said...

Chuck was right this is a truly amazing writing. It brought tears to my eyes. Love you Crystal